Wednesday, July 31, 2002
Note: Haven't been blogging for a while cuz I'm at home. Here is what I have been doing and thinking....
General Mood: Bright-eyed and Bushy-tailed, optimistic, productive, in creative mode.
Hiking In Eaton Canyon: Went to traverse the wild, barren, landscape of nature enclosed and entrenched amidst civilization. We came upon rocks, lizards, birds of the small sort, and tiny but abundant poop. Damn it was hot!!! It wasn't half as exciting as scurrying arcoss the streets of New York at night looking over the shoulder in fear of ass-rapers, but company was the only thing that mattered and Friend Linda and Richard provided that in bountiful amounts.
We also went to the high school in the search for common memories heartwarming and not so heartwarming, sniffing like dogs to get a whiff of the past… and accepting the present changes on campus which didn’t seem to make the school better or worse, just different. Saw Mr. Beckwith, a favored teacher of my high school career, former Decathlon coach and Leo Club advisor. Must be frustrating being a teacher sometimes and his continued devotion makes me feel even more respectful. Afterwards, we found a $5 or under dinner place (Carl’s Jr. Spicy Chicken style ba-bie!!!), and hooked up boba.
We also went to the high school in the search for common memories heartwarming and not so heartwarming, sniffing like dogs to get a whiff of the past… and accepting the present changes on campus which didn’t seem to make the school better or worse, just different. Saw Mr. Beckwith, a favored teacher of my high school career, former Decathlon coach and Leo Club advisor. Must be frustrating being a teacher sometimes and his continued devotion makes me feel even more respectful. Afterwards, we found a $5 or under dinner place (Carl’s Jr. Spicy Chicken style ba-bie!!!), and hooked up boba.
Spending Time With An Old Friend: Yesterday, I was pretty much blindfolded and taken by Teacher Chiou to Tz Chi, a Buddhist charity foundation where she volunteers. She wanted me to accompany her for a day because I hadn’t seen her for a while (I called her earlier to help her with her yardwork so I could check up on her happenings). She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and holds great influence on “Abe’s Elven Council,” but she chose to lead a solitary life and said that having people socialize with her makes her visitors feel better but drains her energy.
Her logic has recently been based around unexpected and untimely death, and seclusion to prevent loss and sorrow… She is mentally sound, however, so I can understand even if I cannot agree.
While at Tz Chi, my first impression was, “oh my gosh another religious institution, arghies.” But I stuck it out and figuring my being at this odd place was too weird to be coincidence. What was interesting was unlike a church, the 200+ members all brought their own chopsticks and bowls. Met Chiou’s supervisor (Lushia), who was particularly charming and sweet with a passion and sense of organization and direction… I found her to be a lot like my deceased Aunt A-m, and the type I would marry later in life. I haven’t really gotten to know any women that have these character-combinations yet that are my age… perhaps because this quality is an age-dependent one….
This place was a carbon copy of Taiwanese culture, and I quickly surmised that I needed to perform vast rebuilding in my lack of Chinese skills. Upkeep isn’t enough. Many words looked familiar, and my speaking skills passed barely, but could be labeled as good if I told them I was born here.
Tz Chi does a lot of good for a lot of people, and this shows a good side of Asian culture. It’s an overt way to get society to recognize us, by doing good for society without asking for anything in return. I’m glad someone is taking the ball and running with it.
Perhaps altruism is where the truly wise go… not into business or medical fields, but into becoming missionaries to help others. It takes guts and brains to be able to leave society to help it, without security of food and such… these people aren’t concerned with reproduction so that’s why there are so few each generation and society does not advance continually as time passes.
Her logic has recently been based around unexpected and untimely death, and seclusion to prevent loss and sorrow… She is mentally sound, however, so I can understand even if I cannot agree.
While at Tz Chi, my first impression was, “oh my gosh another religious institution, arghies.” But I stuck it out and figuring my being at this odd place was too weird to be coincidence. What was interesting was unlike a church, the 200+ members all brought their own chopsticks and bowls. Met Chiou’s supervisor (Lushia), who was particularly charming and sweet with a passion and sense of organization and direction… I found her to be a lot like my deceased Aunt A-m, and the type I would marry later in life. I haven’t really gotten to know any women that have these character-combinations yet that are my age… perhaps because this quality is an age-dependent one….
This place was a carbon copy of Taiwanese culture, and I quickly surmised that I needed to perform vast rebuilding in my lack of Chinese skills. Upkeep isn’t enough. Many words looked familiar, and my speaking skills passed barely, but could be labeled as good if I told them I was born here.
Tz Chi does a lot of good for a lot of people, and this shows a good side of Asian culture. It’s an overt way to get society to recognize us, by doing good for society without asking for anything in return. I’m glad someone is taking the ball and running with it.
Perhaps altruism is where the truly wise go… not into business or medical fields, but into becoming missionaries to help others. It takes guts and brains to be able to leave society to help it, without security of food and such… these people aren’t concerned with reproduction so that’s why there are so few each generation and society does not advance continually as time passes.
On Idea Stealing: I was asked whether I was afraid that the ideas that I put up might be stolen by opportunists. In answer, my thinking is that yall should take what you wish because I spawn so many ideas that there is no way I can see them all to completion. I would like to see my ideas implemented and to hear feedback… it also benefits me because seeing results of my ideas in play makes me happy, and I can improve upon them as I hear about the progress (or lack thereof) of my ideas. So feel free.
Dream Occupations: I’m thinking that the dream occupations that we fancifully think up as kids are the best in the world.
Idea processing also requires one to choose and weigh priorities and ideals efficiently. Adults juggle more factors that are more complicated at once, and since kids cannot do that, they simply pick the most salient ideals and go with them. The “handicap” of limited multi-tasking thought processing sometimes leads to better ideas.
“Childish” thoughts in general are better than the ones that I come up with now because they are not constrained by society’s wants. Kids are disconnected with how things are done so they invent ways of doing things, sometimes superior ideas. Choosing an occupation seems to be one of them.
Idea processing also requires one to choose and weigh priorities and ideals efficiently. Adults juggle more factors that are more complicated at once, and since kids cannot do that, they simply pick the most salient ideals and go with them. The “handicap” of limited multi-tasking thought processing sometimes leads to better ideas.
“Childish” thoughts in general are better than the ones that I come up with now because they are not constrained by society’s wants. Kids are disconnected with how things are done so they invent ways of doing things, sometimes superior ideas. Choosing an occupation seems to be one of them.
Job Searching Idea: Finding a job based on what you like seems like an economy-specific concept. Job attitude is totally based on economy. If the econ sucks, like it did in the late 80s, people are more apt to dive into “secure” jobs. The current philosophy is find a job you actually enjoy, but it will inevitably change later. I think most jobs you have to simply do first and then FIND interest in what you are doing. Some jobs, however, make it more difficult to find interest like custodial jobs so job selection does matter. This seems to suggest that the best job search is to find a career you don’t hate and can do relatively well in.
Update on Home Happenings: Friend Richard gave me a ride home the other day and in this quiet time I haven’t turned on the computer much, so this is what I have been doing…
Been gardening a lot lately, there is always work to be done in our backyard and I’m the plant guardian in our family. My mom and I lugged free fertilizer in the form of soybean milk leftovers (feels like wet flour) in trashbags approximately 50 pounds each a while back to scatter around the fruit trees. It works great, but smells funky if you don’t dry it first.
Today I planted more yams; in about a month we will have twice the yams as we did before. Yams are good for the soil and all parts of it can be eaten, although I hold the leaves to be of the highest value at the moment cuz all the mommies around like organic vegetables and it’s a great conversation starter. Sidenote: Mommies like me.
So far I have discovered four different unconventional uses for yams in preparation for what will be an over-production. Planting them around the fruit trees so they can be used as a good water level indicator (by the time a tree starts dying cuz of lack of water it is already too late), which also saves watering amount and time to water (water from vegetables seeps down to water the fruit trees so less land is planted requiring less water). I can put yam vines in water vases to use as houseplants. I can also dry and grind them to use as vegetable supplements for soup in Irvine, where vege prices are hella expensive.
Been doing more LSAT than usual, but could do more. Weather is hot, no breeze. Been sleeping in sleeping bag with front door slightly ajar… lack of air making me dizzy sleeping elsewhere in house. Journaling productivity is up.
Been gardening a lot lately, there is always work to be done in our backyard and I’m the plant guardian in our family. My mom and I lugged free fertilizer in the form of soybean milk leftovers (feels like wet flour) in trashbags approximately 50 pounds each a while back to scatter around the fruit trees. It works great, but smells funky if you don’t dry it first.
Today I planted more yams; in about a month we will have twice the yams as we did before. Yams are good for the soil and all parts of it can be eaten, although I hold the leaves to be of the highest value at the moment cuz all the mommies around like organic vegetables and it’s a great conversation starter. Sidenote: Mommies like me.
So far I have discovered four different unconventional uses for yams in preparation for what will be an over-production. Planting them around the fruit trees so they can be used as a good water level indicator (by the time a tree starts dying cuz of lack of water it is already too late), which also saves watering amount and time to water (water from vegetables seeps down to water the fruit trees so less land is planted requiring less water). I can put yam vines in water vases to use as houseplants. I can also dry and grind them to use as vegetable supplements for soup in Irvine, where vege prices are hella expensive.
Been doing more LSAT than usual, but could do more. Weather is hot, no breeze. Been sleeping in sleeping bag with front door slightly ajar… lack of air making me dizzy sleeping elsewhere in house. Journaling productivity is up.
Boredom: People report to me their boredom or loneliness during summer…That’s a clear indication that it’s time to do something for someone else for a change. Of course, take care of your own needs first, but after you do so, don’t forget to take care of others needs before you start taking care of your wants. My thinking is that one should think of spare time as a vast, unplowed field, which you can make productive in anyway you see fit. Give yourself something more interesting to stare at than a barren field by planting something on it.
Hanging Out AND Helping Self: Let’s learn to do practical things together as an activity… like learning how to change a tire, unplug a toliet, build a greenhouse or chair. We could go to Home Depot and pick up a book on Home Improvement and go flip thru it for interesting projects. It is always good to be handy, and it is PRODUCTIVE!!!
Hanging Out AND Helping Others: Helped Friend Linda grade papers the other day, and I rediscovered a basic assumption our inner group seem to have—that we must play when hanging out. Not true, it’s all about whom you doing something with, not so much what you do. I had as much peace checking, circling, filling-in, as chilling out with a deck of cards and shooting the shiat. And it was PRODUCTIVE!!!
Friday, July 26, 2002
General Mood: Empowered.
Whatever I need I can get… all I need to do is choose a destination and start walking with an open/flexible mind toward it. There are wants that I cannot obtain no matter how much I will (like getting a girlfriend for instance), but I have been a fool for focusing on what I cannot reach in the distance that I haven’t grasped opportunities flying by. Even in Irvine, where I thought there were few challenges to conquer, I can always start conquering my individual fears.
Whatever I need I can get… all I need to do is choose a destination and start walking with an open/flexible mind toward it. There are wants that I cannot obtain no matter how much I will (like getting a girlfriend for instance), but I have been a fool for focusing on what I cannot reach in the distance that I haven’t grasped opportunities flying by. Even in Irvine, where I thought there were few challenges to conquer, I can always start conquering my individual fears.
Highlight of the Day: two-hour lunch with Catherine of Detroit, a 55 year old WASP mommy recently graduated from UCI, who happens to be a friend I haven’t seen for a while.
We were trying to solve this problem in ACCESS about making data invisible when about to print… she and Carmen were the heroines of the day, and lunch was afterward. There are some wise people out there, even in Irvine.
We were trying to solve this problem in ACCESS about making data invisible when about to print… she and Carmen were the heroines of the day, and lunch was afterward. There are some wise people out there, even in Irvine.
Northern Lights: Beginning research on the Northern Lights in Alaska, and already have a couple people who accompanied me on the China trip who are enthusiastic about it. Alaska wasn’t in the plans before, but it now is because I want to compare sunsets here to Northern Lights there, it is relatively cheap and within the USA (where we have rights baby!).
Setting Sun: I think I have seen enough sunsets to begin comparing them. Today’s sunset was also cloudless, but less hazy and farther reaching. General rating is 6.
Thursday, July 25, 2002
Sunset: Another cloudless sunset today, it felt thin, almost as if the sun were ducking behind the trees afraid to show itself. Even on its mediocre days, its still the best light show around that Mankind has yet to rival in grandeur. You know what would be really cool? To see the Northern Lights. People tell me its up in Alaska, but don’t know when it occurs. Guess there are more important things for people to think about.
Alternating Urgencies: I wish I were more motivated, that I had the spirit of some of the people I know. I know I can command the environment around me-- to squeeze the colors of life out to paint my own picture—if I had that sense of urgency. These days my sense of urgency tends to fluctuate kinda like clouds passing by. An inner change must take place.
The days are passing faster than a streaker across the campus. There’s always LSAT to do or research to perform… I could work harder on it, but I don’t because I don’t want to have my life revolve around intellectual pursuits…I want to solve real problems of real people.
I think about the uncertain career about to unfold in front of me from time to time, and Bon’s career as well. We both are confused, but we are also both willing to sacrifice for the good the family, even happiness.
Opened a Taiwanese website link the other day, couldn’t read enough Mandarin to understand the text. What a shortcoming!!! And it is something I could do something about too. I could hop on a plane to Taiwan and within a year be up to speed. But I have OBLIGATIONS here, whatever that means. It’s a funny big word that seems to cover every reason why I can’t do things. It’s all possible, like jogging to Tapioca Express when everyone said it was impossible, but those days seem over, like I know I have the energy, but can’t quite bring myself to get up and use it.
The days are passing faster than a streaker across the campus. There’s always LSAT to do or research to perform… I could work harder on it, but I don’t because I don’t want to have my life revolve around intellectual pursuits…I want to solve real problems of real people.
I think about the uncertain career about to unfold in front of me from time to time, and Bon’s career as well. We both are confused, but we are also both willing to sacrifice for the good the family, even happiness.
Opened a Taiwanese website link the other day, couldn’t read enough Mandarin to understand the text. What a shortcoming!!! And it is something I could do something about too. I could hop on a plane to Taiwan and within a year be up to speed. But I have OBLIGATIONS here, whatever that means. It’s a funny big word that seems to cover every reason why I can’t do things. It’s all possible, like jogging to Tapioca Express when everyone said it was impossible, but those days seem over, like I know I have the energy, but can’t quite bring myself to get up and use it.
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
Ending point: I’ve liked Lily since Freshman year of college. But today, I have realized that I can’t be her friend anymore. I’m sorry. Really sorry. But I know of no other way. I think Lily would understand if she could hear my thoughts…
Deleted another one of Lily’s “DC Updates” because I kept wandering back to imagining what she would or could be doing at each moment. I refuse to let someone have that much control over how I live…
We had some great times together, and I will not ever forget them for they are dear to me, but now it has to end. Jon reminded me that I pretty much asked her out implicitly and that I deserve a response as a friend and decent human being. There has been no response that I know of. She has committed no crime to deserve friend relations cut off, but it is necessary for my own preservation that I have closure. Before I would entertain hope of more, but I realize I cannot build a solid friendship with such hope.
It is me that should be asking forgiveness though, because had I been stronger I would have said something outright, or been able to look past these feelings and turn them on and off like a light switch. Please believe I had the best of failed intentions.
I get concerned about how Lily is doing all the time; it is natural cause I’m the caring type of guy, but I’m confident she can solve any problems that come up and even though I truly wish to share her triumphs and sorrows, I cannot. I pray for her and think of her more than occasionally. Perhaps we will talk again someday.
I pride myself in not giving up on people and retaining hope, and this has motivated me to keep trying to communicate and saddened me every time I failed to build a friendship with her. It’s been three years. I cannot, however, keep pursuing something that does not exist. And the harder and farther I persist, the more cynical and self-pitying I become—this is a loss to everyone and myself. I am abe, property of the world, not property of my thoughts of Lily. So I must close this specific hope and make myself a lovable person.
Deleted another one of Lily’s “DC Updates” because I kept wandering back to imagining what she would or could be doing at each moment. I refuse to let someone have that much control over how I live…
We had some great times together, and I will not ever forget them for they are dear to me, but now it has to end. Jon reminded me that I pretty much asked her out implicitly and that I deserve a response as a friend and decent human being. There has been no response that I know of. She has committed no crime to deserve friend relations cut off, but it is necessary for my own preservation that I have closure. Before I would entertain hope of more, but I realize I cannot build a solid friendship with such hope.
It is me that should be asking forgiveness though, because had I been stronger I would have said something outright, or been able to look past these feelings and turn them on and off like a light switch. Please believe I had the best of failed intentions.
I get concerned about how Lily is doing all the time; it is natural cause I’m the caring type of guy, but I’m confident she can solve any problems that come up and even though I truly wish to share her triumphs and sorrows, I cannot. I pray for her and think of her more than occasionally. Perhaps we will talk again someday.
I pride myself in not giving up on people and retaining hope, and this has motivated me to keep trying to communicate and saddened me every time I failed to build a friendship with her. It’s been three years. I cannot, however, keep pursuing something that does not exist. And the harder and farther I persist, the more cynical and self-pitying I become—this is a loss to everyone and myself. I am abe, property of the world, not property of my thoughts of Lily. So I must close this specific hope and make myself a lovable person.
East meets West: Sometimes I look back at the 18 day East Coast Odyssey and am still amazed how Richard, Justin and I got it done. They contributed so much to making the journey a success, even if the pace they liked was slower and more deliberate than mine. Traveling with companions is ALWAYS superior when traveling.
The idea went from a wild jest to reality so quickly… if you asked me in the beginning of the year whether something like New York was in the cards; I would have laughed out loud. I have learned to be a lot less skeptical to wild ideas ever since… it’s all so possible, and yes, lightening does strike twice if u know where to stand.
The funny and slightly sad thing is that to this day people still don’t know what went down then… we have explained what we did precisely, but the real metamorphous happened within and exists as a combination of emotions. I see New York everywhere in everyday objects or activities… I feel like I have brought another world into my old world so that even if I am sitting after a sack lunch under a tree before class or standing in a long and slow line, I’m never bored. What would you do to permanently delete boredom from your life?
The idea went from a wild jest to reality so quickly… if you asked me in the beginning of the year whether something like New York was in the cards; I would have laughed out loud. I have learned to be a lot less skeptical to wild ideas ever since… it’s all so possible, and yes, lightening does strike twice if u know where to stand.
The funny and slightly sad thing is that to this day people still don’t know what went down then… we have explained what we did precisely, but the real metamorphous happened within and exists as a combination of emotions. I see New York everywhere in everyday objects or activities… I feel like I have brought another world into my old world so that even if I am sitting after a sack lunch under a tree before class or standing in a long and slow line, I’m never bored. What would you do to permanently delete boredom from your life?
Directives: I have to prove to myself that the obstacles that I thought could not be crossed can indeed be crossed. People that underestimated me were fools.
Bible: Going to read a couple chapters of the Bible each night. I need to have more faith in things, and perhaps this is a good start to finding a greater purpose.
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
Never Alone: I’m never alone. I dare to dream that someone is thinking about me at every moment. This is a confident assumption, but it’s something that every decent person can expect, and all my friends happen to be decent (otherwise they wouldn’t be my friends). These are the ones that I fight for.
Tonight I was staring up at the full moon and thinking about all the people that were looking up with me. Perhaps the future Lady Wang is looking up at the same moon. In that case, I got my cup of pink lemonade and drink a toast-- To a beautiful future about to unfold if I may be so bold!!!
I’m gonna spend a few moments each day thinking about people I know… what they would be doing at the very moment, what it would be like to be them, what they would wish could happen, even what they are probably having for lunch. So hey people, the more you keep me posted about your mutual happenings, the more likely I'll be thinking of you!!!
Tonight I was staring up at the full moon and thinking about all the people that were looking up with me. Perhaps the future Lady Wang is looking up at the same moon. In that case, I got my cup of pink lemonade and drink a toast-- To a beautiful future about to unfold if I may be so bold!!!
I’m gonna spend a few moments each day thinking about people I know… what they would be doing at the very moment, what it would be like to be them, what they would wish could happen, even what they are probably having for lunch. So hey people, the more you keep me posted about your mutual happenings, the more likely I'll be thinking of you!!!
Priorities: Why is it that we don’t appreciate people when they are around, but weep like mad when they leave us? Especially family. Well, I’m gonna try not to make that mistake… I’m gonna plan around my family even if it means having less money, power, or status in society.
What does the faithful soldier do when the general betrays that faith?
Career Center Crunching: Went to the Career Center Library to research today… I dream and plan more than anyone else, but realize I haven’t looked closely enough at my future. It is becoming ever more apparent that if I don’t ace this LSAT for myself, then I don’t have the discipline for law school… not necessarily to get into an awesome law school, but because (unlike the SAT), the LSAT really is what law school is like in a nutshell.
I have to be more hardcore about a process that will consume approximately $150,000 and change my entire outlook on life. I have been too preoccupied for too long with finding funds for traveling and getting a car that I missed the biggest investment of all…
So far, I know I’m going to law school. I know it will be in California. I’d be willing to choose a lower ranking school for less tuition. I have little hope of dating in law school so romance will have to wait again. Thinking more about pursuing a law career instead of a 2-3 year law occupation.
I have much more to read and there is much to do, but I feel motivated. Damn I gotta say we live in an exciting time… our choices now will form our destinies to come. It feels so vast to me, like an endless green pasture… sure we are gonna be stepping in shit and potholes on the way, but looking out over the rolling hills you don’t see the blemishes of the land, only the beauty of the landscape.
I have to be more hardcore about a process that will consume approximately $150,000 and change my entire outlook on life. I have been too preoccupied for too long with finding funds for traveling and getting a car that I missed the biggest investment of all…
So far, I know I’m going to law school. I know it will be in California. I’d be willing to choose a lower ranking school for less tuition. I have little hope of dating in law school so romance will have to wait again. Thinking more about pursuing a law career instead of a 2-3 year law occupation.
I have much more to read and there is much to do, but I feel motivated. Damn I gotta say we live in an exciting time… our choices now will form our destinies to come. It feels so vast to me, like an endless green pasture… sure we are gonna be stepping in shit and potholes on the way, but looking out over the rolling hills you don’t see the blemishes of the land, only the beauty of the landscape.
Sunday, July 21, 2002
Romance Corner: Saw a movie today "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," and it was about exchanging social capital... a guy had to choose between a pretty-dumb gurl or a smart-plain gurl. Every guy would hope to find a gurl with both brains and beauty, but the guy in the movie chose smart-plain gurl in the end because a "smart woman can seem more beautiful as time passes, which a pretty-dumb person gets uglier."
I don't know quite what i'd do... seeing my track record I would probably fawn over pretty-dumb gurls and be disappointed quickly, while becoming great friends with the smart-plains that happen to be friends of the pretty-dumbs. I hope to be wiser in the the present and future, but yall know that attraction turns me into a blubblering, foolish idiot.
Don't dismiss me as another superficial guy for all the females that are reading this... I am decent enough to call off pretty-dumbs after short periods of time rather than stick around cuz that kind of social capital turns sour real quick. And I can do some sweet things when I am inspired.
If I do end up finding someone, it will likely be the friend of a pretty-dumb who is smart-plain. I'll be great friends with her, then realize one day that her eyes, not her features, are what inspire me. The defining feeling will be taht i will want to do things to make her happy and spend hours daydreaming what I could do for her. In short, i'll be smitten and whipped.
I don't know quite what i'd do... seeing my track record I would probably fawn over pretty-dumb gurls and be disappointed quickly, while becoming great friends with the smart-plains that happen to be friends of the pretty-dumbs. I hope to be wiser in the the present and future, but yall know that attraction turns me into a blubblering, foolish idiot.
Don't dismiss me as another superficial guy for all the females that are reading this... I am decent enough to call off pretty-dumbs after short periods of time rather than stick around cuz that kind of social capital turns sour real quick. And I can do some sweet things when I am inspired.
If I do end up finding someone, it will likely be the friend of a pretty-dumb who is smart-plain. I'll be great friends with her, then realize one day that her eyes, not her features, are what inspire me. The defining feeling will be taht i will want to do things to make her happy and spend hours daydreaming what I could do for her. In short, i'll be smitten and whipped.
It is only when one has too much or not enough that thievery begins.
Passion is what drives success, not logic. Finished a book today called "Weird Ideas That Work," which may explain why a lot of people seem to think I will be success in the future. I'm personally skeptical about my "assured" success in the future and think that my chances are just as good as everyone elses... some may have better chances because they think of things I wouldn't have even considered. There are some closet geniuses out there (of the straight variety).
Finding out how things work is fun.
Helping nice people makes me feel good.
Lunar Ideas: watched sunset yesterday… as sky became a bunch of colors, the moon started shining in background, and under that quarter moon was a plane taking off. I thought about how I would love to be on that plane wherever it might be bound.
Why don’t I dream about going to the moon though? Is it too wild of an idea? How many other ideas have I passed because I thought they were too far to reach but could have been reached had I tried? I could be subconsciously screening out what could be my best ideas.
As the sun set, I realized that Europe and the moon are different paths to the same destination-- I want to go to both because few have done so before. To kill one dream/path in its infancy because it doesn’t seem likely, would make it easier to question the possibility of my other more likely unconventional dreams. I assure you my dreams are coming true, and to make sure that happens I have to be more vigilant in keeping an open mind that doesn’t screen out moon walking.
In those few seconds, I saw the plane climb in altitude away from the moon, seemingly in divergent paths. My initial senses failed me, however, because after some thinking I realized the plane was closer to reaching the moon as it climbed higher and higher.
Why don’t I dream about going to the moon though? Is it too wild of an idea? How many other ideas have I passed because I thought they were too far to reach but could have been reached had I tried? I could be subconsciously screening out what could be my best ideas.
As the sun set, I realized that Europe and the moon are different paths to the same destination-- I want to go to both because few have done so before. To kill one dream/path in its infancy because it doesn’t seem likely, would make it easier to question the possibility of my other more likely unconventional dreams. I assure you my dreams are coming true, and to make sure that happens I have to be more vigilant in keeping an open mind that doesn’t screen out moon walking.
In those few seconds, I saw the plane climb in altitude away from the moon, seemingly in divergent paths. My initial senses failed me, however, because after some thinking I realized the plane was closer to reaching the moon as it climbed higher and higher.
Travel vs. Car: I know exactly what I could do now to be happy and to learn the most … board a plane to Europe with some spending cash and be left alone or with friends to do whatever I/we wish.
But I can't do that. Well, actually I can… anything is possible right? I just think that family interest is more important, and that means buying the old Toyota Privea from my parents so they can get a new car… it is around $10K. Sheesh, if I weren’t buying from family I’d sooner buy a $6000 car and take the rest to Europe for a month. Got the cash, but doing the car thing is in my “best” interest.
Practicality demands that I get job experience, learn to drive, perform car maintenance and know the roads… basically become a real 21 year old driving adult. I haven’t driven in 3 years and 10 months, it’s about time.
But (& this is a big but), how happy can I make my family if I'm not happy? Never again will so many of my friends and I have the time and flexibility to travel for weeks at a time living ghetto style packed like sardines in one hotel room. I’m arm’s length away from making fantasy to reality, but I have forbidden myself from reaching out. Travel isn’t a priority anymore, but I desperately want it to be.
But I can't do that. Well, actually I can… anything is possible right? I just think that family interest is more important, and that means buying the old Toyota Privea from my parents so they can get a new car… it is around $10K. Sheesh, if I weren’t buying from family I’d sooner buy a $6000 car and take the rest to Europe for a month. Got the cash, but doing the car thing is in my “best” interest.
Practicality demands that I get job experience, learn to drive, perform car maintenance and know the roads… basically become a real 21 year old driving adult. I haven’t driven in 3 years and 10 months, it’s about time.
But (& this is a big but), how happy can I make my family if I'm not happy? Never again will so many of my friends and I have the time and flexibility to travel for weeks at a time living ghetto style packed like sardines in one hotel room. I’m arm’s length away from making fantasy to reality, but I have forbidden myself from reaching out. Travel isn’t a priority anymore, but I desperately want it to be.
SHOUT frustration: people in the shout retreat are being flaky… the retreat is only freaking one night and an afternoon; that’s less than one freaking day… and people are telling me they can’t even make that?! What are they so busy about? At banquet they said they wanted to have retreat the weekend between the two summer sessions. How are we supposed to form unity if we can't even gather!!! Even the goddamned First Continental Congress had better attendance!!! Frustrated. Really frustrated.
SHOUT’s paying for dinner, lunch, and the retreat location… the new officers just have to come… how hard is that WHEN THEY ARE ALL ALREADY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA?! When are the new people gonna step up? What do I need to do?
People are busy. Hey I can understand that—freaking-a I'm busy too!
And my co-chairs mikey and vero are the busiest of all. These people are going into the real world to fend for themselves, and yet they are still coming to help us out… what club officer in other clubs DO that anymore?! I have more and more respect for them as they show me faith when others have not.
*sigh,* I can’t expect peoples’ priorities to be the same as mine, my frustration isn’t directed to the officers; rather that I see something I have invested so much time and effort in whose future is becoming more and more uncertain as less and less people step up to the plate. Damn, Jesus must have been a sad man sometimes to have so much faith and so few results.
SHOUT’s paying for dinner, lunch, and the retreat location… the new officers just have to come… how hard is that WHEN THEY ARE ALL ALREADY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA?! When are the new people gonna step up? What do I need to do?
People are busy. Hey I can understand that—freaking-a I'm busy too!
And my co-chairs mikey and vero are the busiest of all. These people are going into the real world to fend for themselves, and yet they are still coming to help us out… what club officer in other clubs DO that anymore?! I have more and more respect for them as they show me faith when others have not.
*sigh,* I can’t expect peoples’ priorities to be the same as mine, my frustration isn’t directed to the officers; rather that I see something I have invested so much time and effort in whose future is becoming more and more uncertain as less and less people step up to the plate. Damn, Jesus must have been a sad man sometimes to have so much faith and so few results.
Exotic Abe: Today a high school friend of mine met a friend of mine from UCI and they found out that the both knew me. It is interesting what aspects of me that they used to confirm my identity-- enthusiastic and has glasses. I have also been described as “exotic” and belonging in my own “special and small category of abe.” One friend even made my name into a verb—to abe. It doesn’t happen every week, but it happens often enough to make me think about what it means to be abe.
I don’t think I’m the smartest than others, tallest, strongest, more slick, more eloquent or that my ideas are better than others… in fact, if I were to choose a character that I am most like, it would probably be Forrest Gump. My questions that weird and different to others just seem like stuff everyone seems to know already to me. One thing I happen to have in bounty is luck though…
Paradoxically, I know that I am destined for something great, and I have believed for a while now that I will do great good or great evil but nothing in between… it’s either Hitler or Ghandi, and the law profession will only polarize me more in one direction or the other. I can only imagine that “abe” is a unique combination of characteristics… but that’s a slippery slope argument because we all possess a special set of characteristics so why am I placed in a special category? And if our future spouses are supposed to be our complements, how will I find someone who will interlock with my character?
I don’t think I’m the smartest than others, tallest, strongest, more slick, more eloquent or that my ideas are better than others… in fact, if I were to choose a character that I am most like, it would probably be Forrest Gump. My questions that weird and different to others just seem like stuff everyone seems to know already to me. One thing I happen to have in bounty is luck though…
Paradoxically, I know that I am destined for something great, and I have believed for a while now that I will do great good or great evil but nothing in between… it’s either Hitler or Ghandi, and the law profession will only polarize me more in one direction or the other. I can only imagine that “abe” is a unique combination of characteristics… but that’s a slippery slope argument because we all possess a special set of characteristics so why am I placed in a special category? And if our future spouses are supposed to be our complements, how will I find someone who will interlock with my character?
Friday, July 19, 2002
A Typical Day Today:
*Get up around 10am,
*Shower,
*Leisure reading while sipping a hot cup of green tea with soybean milk (today it happened to be Walden and Weird Ideas that work),
*Lunch is served, rice with stirfry side of my own creation that included shrimp scampi with broccoli, onion, chives, & garlic with a bit of soysauce, vegetable oil, & rice vinegar.
*Scrabble online with strangers to stretch brain, while checking email & stock.
*Upkeep our tiny (but now green) garden.
*Mop the kitchen
*Take a nap.
*Watch sunset as I jog in the park
*Dinner is chips, graham crackers, soup with vegetables, and wheat bread.
*Watch the movie The Firm again
*Blog and Chat… feeling guilty about not studying LSAT and will do so tomorrow, sigh.
*Lift 10lbs. Dumbells & listen to the radio
*Second dinner is dumplings from home.
*Diary writing and sleep.
*Get up around 10am,
*Shower,
*Leisure reading while sipping a hot cup of green tea with soybean milk (today it happened to be Walden and Weird Ideas that work),
*Lunch is served, rice with stirfry side of my own creation that included shrimp scampi with broccoli, onion, chives, & garlic with a bit of soysauce, vegetable oil, & rice vinegar.
*Scrabble online with strangers to stretch brain, while checking email & stock.
*Upkeep our tiny (but now green) garden.
*Mop the kitchen
*Take a nap.
*Watch sunset as I jog in the park
*Dinner is chips, graham crackers, soup with vegetables, and wheat bread.
*Watch the movie The Firm again
*Blog and Chat… feeling guilty about not studying LSAT and will do so tomorrow, sigh.
*Lift 10lbs. Dumbells & listen to the radio
*Second dinner is dumplings from home.
*Diary writing and sleep.
Spontaneous Thinking: Isn't it cool how with guys it is always Mr. (or Dr.) while females it is Ms. or Mrs.? I think the reason for distinguishing among the two is so the guys can get a signal about whether a gurl is taken or not immediately so they will know how to act. The female doesn't know that they are sleeping with a married guy till after it's too late, and becomes an innocent accomplise to wrong acts. Oh the built in sexism in our society and how a sociology major can perceive it.
Thursday, July 18, 2002
New Clothes: Although I rarely dress up, I used to enjoy doing so. People seemingly gave me more attention (which I interpreted as respect) and as my mom would say, I looked more likely to succeed in life.
But today I see my roommate coming back from a new job of his, in which he has to dress up and I see his new clothes as an emblem of enslavement. Not only must the cost of the clothes bear him burden, but how uncomfortable they must feel at times—rare is it that I see a man who will not loosen his tie and take off his shoes in a relaxed environment.
In a broader sense, comfort and gain of power are at odds with one another. To gain power one must sacrifice the comfort of security, the people who are concerned about your well-being, complacency, and beliefs. All of it is thrown into question, but even so, sacrifice of comfort may be a necessary evil to finding self, for better or worse.
But today I see my roommate coming back from a new job of his, in which he has to dress up and I see his new clothes as an emblem of enslavement. Not only must the cost of the clothes bear him burden, but how uncomfortable they must feel at times—rare is it that I see a man who will not loosen his tie and take off his shoes in a relaxed environment.
In a broader sense, comfort and gain of power are at odds with one another. To gain power one must sacrifice the comfort of security, the people who are concerned about your well-being, complacency, and beliefs. All of it is thrown into question, but even so, sacrifice of comfort may be a necessary evil to finding self, for better or worse.
Sharing Wealth: Sharing totally and goodheartedly is something I find hard to do, but something I am committed to doing. Sharing is especially difficult when others treat me less than ideally (rude, greedy, ignoring people to name a few).
This led me to think that it is harder to spread wealth once you have it, than to gain it—simply because the harder you work for something, the harder it is to share it with people. This is especially difficult after you consider what you can do with your new wealth, like buy material goods that would make life easier, or become deluded into thinking that instead of giving it to the needy now (who don’t know how to use it as well), you can invest it for them and then begin charity later on. Later on never comes and spreading wealth is twice as difficult as gaining it.
This led me to think that it is harder to spread wealth once you have it, than to gain it—simply because the harder you work for something, the harder it is to share it with people. This is especially difficult after you consider what you can do with your new wealth, like buy material goods that would make life easier, or become deluded into thinking that instead of giving it to the needy now (who don’t know how to use it as well), you can invest it for them and then begin charity later on. Later on never comes and spreading wealth is twice as difficult as gaining it.
Law School vs. Law Profession: The brightest skills I wish to gain from law school already manifested themselves in the LSAT. The LSAT is unlike the SAT which I did much better on and it is about ability I do not yet have or are weak in… it’s like writing with the other hand.
Logic games are about taking a situation and all its rules and making associations between the rules to form new ideas and concepts in an unconventional way. Reading passages train me to cover a lot of material quickly and understand main points. Logical reasoning is about reading arguments, finding assumptions, and making arguments better. The writing section is about presenting a coherent defense quickly. These are skills I need and only law school can provide the correct combination dose of them.
My reasons for going to law school feel right, although my feelings toward the law profession remain largely open to question still. I feel that law school is about skills and lawyering is about morality. There is no such thing has a partially moral lawyer—lawyers can only be really good or bad morally in this profession, impartial or partial. In the best scenario, I would be a moral lawyer, but then I would be surrounded by immoral professionals around me and would feel sullied. It’s not as bad if I have immoral commoners around me, but these are educated professionals who should know better (I have low opinions and high standards for lawyers). In the worst case, I would become immoral by conformity and the world would be stripped of more potential goodness.
Logic games are about taking a situation and all its rules and making associations between the rules to form new ideas and concepts in an unconventional way. Reading passages train me to cover a lot of material quickly and understand main points. Logical reasoning is about reading arguments, finding assumptions, and making arguments better. The writing section is about presenting a coherent defense quickly. These are skills I need and only law school can provide the correct combination dose of them.
My reasons for going to law school feel right, although my feelings toward the law profession remain largely open to question still. I feel that law school is about skills and lawyering is about morality. There is no such thing has a partially moral lawyer—lawyers can only be really good or bad morally in this profession, impartial or partial. In the best scenario, I would be a moral lawyer, but then I would be surrounded by immoral professionals around me and would feel sullied. It’s not as bad if I have immoral commoners around me, but these are educated professionals who should know better (I have low opinions and high standards for lawyers). In the worst case, I would become immoral by conformity and the world would be stripped of more potential goodness.
Lion & Mouse: I remember the lion and the mouse fable whenever I feel too big and important to care. For those of you that have never heard of this story, the gist is like this: Lion saves a mouse in a whim of goodwill; Mouse is grateful and promises to help Lion when Lion is in trouble; Lion laughs and goes on his way; Lion gets caught in rope trap made by hunter and can’t get out roaring defiantly; Mouse sees Lion, and chews the ropes apart, freeing Lion.
The moral is that sometimes the smallest and weakest members of society can save us in the most hopeless moments; and the determination of small people to payback those that have helped them are huge. When I first read this story as a kid, I thought of myself as the mouse because everything I could do everyone else in the family could do hella better. I decided that whatever big person was smart enough to invest in me, I would do everything in my limited power to help. It was like they would have an inexhaustible credit limit of aid in me.
The moral is that sometimes the smallest and weakest members of society can save us in the most hopeless moments; and the determination of small people to payback those that have helped them are huge. When I first read this story as a kid, I thought of myself as the mouse because everything I could do everyone else in the family could do hella better. I decided that whatever big person was smart enough to invest in me, I would do everything in my limited power to help. It was like they would have an inexhaustible credit limit of aid in me.
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
random thought:
If heaven were on earth, most people would still stay at home because people make day to day habits and have a hard time breaking them.
If heaven were on earth, most people would still stay at home because people make day to day habits and have a hard time breaking them.
Favorite Movies:
1. Forrest Gump
2. Family Man
3. The Brothers
4. Thomas Crown Affair
1. Forrest Gump
2. Family Man
3. The Brothers
4. Thomas Crown Affair
Sunsets: Over the past week, I have been polling to find out how often people go to see sunsets... And since someone reflected the questions back to me, i figured that since i asked the question, i should know something about sunsets-- so i went to see one in the park yesterday. It turns out sunsets aren't something people usually catch, but while i was jogging at the park minutes before the sunset I saw a lot of couples there hanging out.
Seeing a fiery sky retreating downwards toward the earth and not being able to share my thoughts with anyone about it made me realize that if I were in paradise, then I would be unhappy if I were alone. Even though I would have everything I wanted, I would not be able to enjoy it properly cuz there would be no one to share it with. Better to have true and understanding companions in the pits of hell.
So all things considered, I think we may have found real utopia already-- one that contains hardships, but one that also has people to share them with.
Seeing a fiery sky retreating downwards toward the earth and not being able to share my thoughts with anyone about it made me realize that if I were in paradise, then I would be unhappy if I were alone. Even though I would have everything I wanted, I would not be able to enjoy it properly cuz there would be no one to share it with. Better to have true and understanding companions in the pits of hell.
So all things considered, I think we may have found real utopia already-- one that contains hardships, but one that also has people to share them with.
Yellowstone trip: Accompanied Taiwanese relatives as a supplementary tour guide on a seven-day bus tour to Yellowstone (my ticket was free). For me, it was a good opportunity to see places I hadn’t seen in over ten years again…. Afterall, rare is it that good company and free time present themselves. My memory of the places were like fuzzy, two-dimensional snapshots; though I could not recall tourist traps, I could recognize them once I saw them for a second time.
My relatives are the nicest people in the world, but are as timid as deermice. Those that have traveled with me before know that if travel money is sacrificed to the travel gods, then damned if I’ll be caged in a bus and chew my beef jerky quietly. So I took it upon myself to be bold-- if the bus stopped, then I would spring up and out with relatives in tow to see the pinnacles and valleys of nature. They would be reluctant at first, but the relatives would be grateful in the end that they had some unique stories to tell on the bus when they got back.
My relatives also had something priceless to offer me as well—Family history. Every story they told I would meticulously record the same night because these were the stories I would be telling my grandchildren. If I couldn’t tell it back, then I asked them to repeat it. Our family guardians are aging, and it would be a debilitating loss to our family if they could not pass on their wisdom… especially because we are becoming Americans with a different culture and language. Before they came I never knew that my great-grandmother had bound feet, or the life stories of those closest to me… like my Mom would always cry and refuse to get on the schoolbus unless if my grandmother gave her candy first.
Saw lots of wild animals browsing and scurrying about and haphazard piles of animal traces—these animals were free… none of that caged sham like in the zoos. Did you know that the buffalo in Yellowstone can reach under themselves to scratch their you-know-whats? Gosh, I soon as figured that something that big shouldn’t even be able to bend over, let alone and SEE their you-know-whats. Amazing revelations not taught in the classroom.
My relatives are the nicest people in the world, but are as timid as deermice. Those that have traveled with me before know that if travel money is sacrificed to the travel gods, then damned if I’ll be caged in a bus and chew my beef jerky quietly. So I took it upon myself to be bold-- if the bus stopped, then I would spring up and out with relatives in tow to see the pinnacles and valleys of nature. They would be reluctant at first, but the relatives would be grateful in the end that they had some unique stories to tell on the bus when they got back.
My relatives also had something priceless to offer me as well—Family history. Every story they told I would meticulously record the same night because these were the stories I would be telling my grandchildren. If I couldn’t tell it back, then I asked them to repeat it. Our family guardians are aging, and it would be a debilitating loss to our family if they could not pass on their wisdom… especially because we are becoming Americans with a different culture and language. Before they came I never knew that my great-grandmother had bound feet, or the life stories of those closest to me… like my Mom would always cry and refuse to get on the schoolbus unless if my grandmother gave her candy first.
Saw lots of wild animals browsing and scurrying about and haphazard piles of animal traces—these animals were free… none of that caged sham like in the zoos. Did you know that the buffalo in Yellowstone can reach under themselves to scratch their you-know-whats? Gosh, I soon as figured that something that big shouldn’t even be able to bend over, let alone and SEE their you-know-whats. Amazing revelations not taught in the classroom.
Summer plans: I am planning to spend my summer cramming for LSAT (priority one), doing research for a professor, and hanging out with friends. i'll be in Arcadia, Irvine and San Diego. It will be a busy bee summer, but I am planning to enjoy every minute of it.
Thanks Richard for helping me set this up
